Déjà Vu - The Waking

Déjà vu!!!

Woke up in cold sweat.

It was still dark. No! i couldn’t open my eyes. The lids, they simply refused to budge.

My head was feeling heavy, pain running across in all direction. The feeling like some one drove a drill bit from behind. The pain was killing.

Breathing was heavy and obstructed. I had to struggle for each and every intake. The breath was more ready to leave my lung cavity than they wanted to stay in. It was a struggle to stay conscious.

It took some time for me to come to a sense close to normal. I was grunting like an old steam engine, ready to leave the platform. Every bit of muscle was put into action to move a finger.

Jolts of pain shot up in all direction. Legs!!! Couldn’t even sense them! Amputated? Paralyzed? Senses were of no use to conclude.

Arms were numb, they were drained of blood.

I lay there, just let the time pass.

5… 10… 15… i don’t know how much time i lay there in and out of consciousness, contemplating what had happened.

As time went by i knew, i was resting my body on a mattress. Through the crack in the opening of my eyes i could see blades going round and round above me, making the feeling of the cold sweat prominent.

I could make out that i was lying in that state for quite some time. I need to move and figure out what happened. How did i end up like that? I didn’t drink the last day. I came back directly from office. Remember having dinner with her. Was it HER who did this to me? She is too sweet to even hurt me by words. A Voice echoed at the back of my head, “That’s what they say about all those Bi**hes!!!”

No!! She can’t do this to me!!! No!!! Never!!!

…aaarrghhhh … i was out again… don’t know how long it was!!!

Could hear a familiar sound. What is it? Its sounds like a song, a melody? No! Its clear now, its something i have hated over the years. My Alarm!!!

Could finally reach out and turn it off and re coiled to the earlier position. What i’m in my own room!!!

Struggled to reach my mobile … Got it!!!… dialed … its ringing !!!

A voice answered from the other side, “Hello Jerry!!!”…

“I can’t come to office today!!!”

“What happened???”

“I think i have a bad cold!!!”

“Fine!!! Take rest and be back tomorrow…”

My Manager’s voice never sounded so sweet to me … Sweeter than her voice!!!

I love this FEVER!!!

Its a 100′000 and counting ….

Lets call it one of my dreams. Never thought i would come so far and never expected to be a regular one either. So here i’m - my blog registered 100′000 visitors…Thanks to all…

Some updates rolling out soon ….

Valentine’s Day Contemplations

“You don’t have to get me a red-rose. I’m already yours!!!”, well i still don’t know if that was a trick question or not that she threw at me. All i asked her, “Shall i give you a red-rose?”

Or rather i wasn’t supposed to ask anything like that. May be it was stupid cupid playing the role of the culprit. How the hell would i ever know what she meant? Cant they just ask us what they want rather than using virtual pointers. We run Java, pointers are not an option and why else do you think we date so many and never result in garbled memory. The core is never dumped.(2 years with IT industry this is all that i have left in my mind)

Sandy had said it the right way,

“And they say, love makes the world go round.
It sure does, in damned circles of nothingness.”

Inspired from Love and his post on Nothingness, came my two posts Second in Love and Second in Love - The Closure, two close to reality stories. 3 in fact!

Trust me “Guys who are Single”, the world will be mean to you, but once SHE is there in your life, your life can never get meaner. Jokes apart they do bring in a sense of orderliness if your really serious. I have seen that in people. They change overnight. Power of Love, they say, Power of HER i say.

Some people really live their life out on LOVE. They forget that they have a life that’s precious and they forget it. All the sweet words that you might have said and those moments that you cherished are all good. But once you break-up, you need to move on. Kambath Ishq, is to be blamed? No dude. Its you at blame’s end. Move on!!!

GUYs never ever on a very special day, especially on this day, tell her that you will get food from outside. You can never be convincing enough and wont sound sweet to her at all. Trust me all that She would hear would be, “I cant eat the carp that you prepare everyday! I need a break at least today. So lets eat outside”. Let her to decide. Its the safest bet. Watch “Pyaar Ke Side-Effects”, its a nice start for beginners.

As a parting gift, here is my 2 cents - Never trust someone who says, “I cant live without YOU! You’re my life”. Thats the biggest lie in the world.

And with all these said, I wonder why i’m still here in office on Valentine Day’s eve, working. She hasn’t called either. He phone is not reachable too…

(This post is now abruptly stopped. There has been a Fire Alarm at my office and Its a fake!!! Somebody got too steamy in love on V-Day i guess. )

Start Blogging and Continue Doing It

[This is my first post in the company blog]

Its a good thing that my company introduced blogging to its employees. It was high time that this passion of a ‘netizen‘ was recognized. I see a lot of posts coming up and the enthusiasm was just simply WOW!!!. The fact is, most of the people lose their steam after the initial boost on writing. They come over enthusiastic and over time, they just don’t find what to write, some times intimidated by the way top bloggers write and the responses that they get and simply give up on blogging. “I cant do that, look how many hits (number of visitors to a blog) that person is getting.”

“So you a first time blogger… uhh????”, whats the big deal, write dude write!!! Thats what blogging initially is about. You need to write, write and write. Let that be anything about the good looking girl you found in the bus and wondering if u had her name can check her details in TedWeb, or how you burnt your break fast any damn thing goes into that. Novice bloggers - Just keep writing. You may not find any theme to write about, just write the crap that you feel like. May be no one is going to read it. So what, write.

“So you are not new to blogging…!!!”, still keep writing. As you ‘mature’ (i hate to use this word), you will find out yourself that what you want to write about them most, what you like blogging about. May be its Mallaika Sherawat or Bipasha Basu , who cares write about them. Play with words. Frame some wacky phrases like - “Bipasha threw ambers of jealousy at young damsels”, just make sure that you girlfriend doesn’t read this and i’m not responsible at any cause.

The next thing that you should focus is - ‘Give and Take‘ principle. Go visit other’s blogs, read their articles, drop a comment or two at their blogs and posts. Trust me just by mere visiting no one is going to know that you visited their site. Build a community on the web. Join groups. There is a bangalorebloggers called as the Blog’a’loreans at Google.

Last, visit the top blogs around and read how they write and what draws the crowd to them. What is so special in their writing? Who are these people. I suggest - Digital Inspirations - Amit Agarwal, he is India’s first professional blogger, Kiruba Shankar, Silkboard, Seth Godin etc. These are some of my favorite. Silkboard esp. has an uncanny way to report on the bangalore traffic . There are some Community driven blogs too like - Mutiny.in(i write here ), Sepia Mutiny too.

“So you a pro blogger.. uhhh???”, great!!!. Keep writing and help others too. Its always fun to get people into blogging. The way i did it for my roommate.

Second in LOVE - The Closure

[Read the Prelude here...]

… All i remember of it is that, it was a Tuesday evening…

There i stood in front of Coffee Day at Brigade Rd., crowd brushing past me. The helmet felt heavy. Now i have to find my way back home. It was the longest five minute walk that i had. My vision blurred, shoulders heavy, emptiness was what i felt inside. I wanted to just stay there, don’t want to take my bike. Hoped someone in the crowd heard my ailing heart.

All i could do was just watch her go. The auto spurted out oil and smoke, roared and joined the ocean of traffic. She was gone. Forever! She was so close and now that she was gone and it ripped my heart out. There was an emptiness that i never felt before, as i watched the auto-rickshaw fade out and disappear. I wanted to run after it, begging her not to go. But i couldn’t even move a muscle.

She was committed, she was with another person. But, She loved ME. 2 weeks that’s all that took us to get close and know each other like we knew ourselves. The 2 weeks that i’m never going to get back and the 2 weeks i was in love. Yes i was in LOVE. 2 years in Bangalore and i never felt so happy.

I had already told her that i love her, and she had told me too that she was committed. But there was something with in us that couldn’t keep either of us from talking to each other, staying in contact, going for lunch and dinner.

I vividly recollect. That day, i left office early and rang her up and asked if she can join me for dinner. She took time to answer, but it was a YES. I knew that even though she was with him she loved me and she had confessed to that.

“I don’t know why i want to talk to you; I don’t know why i want to be with you”, she broke out one day, “i know i’m not doing the right thing, i’m not being fair to him. All i know is that i want to be with you”

She knew that it was all wrong and i never had the strength to stop her. I was falling in love and i was falling hard. I was happy. 100%. We talked for hours at length till we were tired, messaged long enough to make our fingers sore, felt the warmth of love, as moments passed we wanted to be with each other more and more.

Saturday on our way to dinner, he called. She said she was going home and what else could she have done than to lie to that poor soul. He was suspicious. He called again; She turned to me and asked,

“What should i tell him?”

“Tell him the truth”, i just couldn’t tell her to lie and i never could.

She did and i saw her smile fade away. She was happy, till that time a bit confused too, but now she felt her consciousness prick. There ended the dinner and i had no idea that it would be the last time we would be together. I dropped her right out side her home, “Good night”, and drove off didn’t even wanted to listen what she wanted to tell me.

A day passed, before we actually spoke. From day one she only had questions to ask me and i wasn’t surprised a bit when these were her first words following ‘hello’,

“What if i say YES to you?”

“One person would be happy and another one would be broken”, i had to be correct as i knew the answer was going to change the tide of our relation, “People will say you left a guy whom you knew for one and a half years for a guy whom you knew only for a week… what ever you decision is i support that…”

“I need to think, will call you in the evening”

The call went dead. I rang her up in the evening and asked for her decision; all she wanted was to meet the next day. So there i was waiting not knowing what her decision was. I was praying and hoping that it would be a positive one and the way she spoke the other day, i was growing confident.

Ladies have to be fashionably late. So i didn’t expect her any sooner. I settled in my chair, sipping the sweet-bitter coffee, and just recollected where i was a week ago and now where i’m. So much has changed in so little a time and i felt like i gained something.

She was the girl i always wanted. I had been with and known enough girls and i knew exactly what kind of a girl i wanted. She was sweet, innocent and sometimes irritatingly sweet and innocent. She was so true to heart that she was unable to take the fact that she was disappointing someone. She repeatedly said that she was cheating him. She didn’t even laugh at my stupid jokes as she never got them and i had to take time to explain them. Opposite do attract. There was many striking similarities that we shared with family matters, tastes and even personal things. The most amusing thing was that she never wanted branded items neither did i. She questioned me for the amount of money i spent on food. Food was the single most expensive thing that spent all my money on. If the food is good then i won’t mind spending anything on it. She believed on sharing what ever expenses occurred when we were together. I had to save my dignity, so never accepted any money. She was all too much perfect. I began planning to telling my parents and to get things rolling. Yes i saw 10 years down the line. And i was dreaming in a busy place, oblivious to my chaotic surrounding.

There She comes, the queen of my most delectable dreams. Its you. My heart was missing a beat, No! it almost stopped. As she neared i saw that the shine in her eyes had gone, the freshness in her face had faded, she had a worn look and walked towards me like she was fighting the pull of someone from behind. Everything just vanished from my mind, the dreams that i built up was gone, my mind was like the most barren land. She sat on the chair next to me. I stared into her eyes searching to find myself. I didn’t had the strength to look anymore and turned away.

“Can you consider me as your friend? … “, those words were like barbwire threading through my heart. Everything just froze at that moment.

“Why? Why? I told you that i will be keeping hope and i told you not to disappoint me”

“Me and him are almost breaking up…”

I interrupted her, “…So that means that you can be with me right…”

“No … i can’t be with you either”, “Why?”

“I love you, which you can be certain of. But i don’t think i can be with you after the guilty feeling that’s killing me, thinking what i did to him. We lost it. He is totally broke. And I’m to blame”

I looked at her. She was torn between the two of us. Her eyes spoke as i looked into those limpid pools, that were about to overflow, ‘… I want to be with you forever. But after what i did to him i won’t be able to be fully happy with you. You make me happy and make me smile, but if i’m not truly happy, its same as cheating you… ‘

She turned away, she didn’t want me to see her through. She broke the silence, “Please! you will have to forget me… Please”

“I cant. Ever! Something in life is sure to remind me of you all the time… and you can’t ask me that…”

“Hope you’d understand… I love you…”

She got up to leave. I just followed her in silence. Nothing mattered now. The traffic was no more deafening, there was silence everywhere. I couldn’t even look up and face the crowd. I was afraid that someone might read me though. I followed her in silence. We didn’t speak a word. She walked for some time and picked up pace, i tried to keep up but i had already fallen and i couldn’t even look up.

“Auto!!! Jayanagar…”, she didn’t even look back

She was lost. I’m still in search for the missing beat of my heart.

The rhythm that i found and lost in 2 weeks. The most musical 2 weeks ever. The two most wonderful weeks of my life. Now its just silence. Melody has given way to Melancholy.

I’m moving on, thinking some day we will be together… Some day…

Nothingness remains…

And one day i was on Bangalore Mirror

Because of the on going Blogathon work i was featured in Bangalore Mirror.

Here is the snap shot

[thanks Mohan]

Its me at the far left ..

Second in LOVE

“Yet again, i’ve become the second person. Yet again i miss”, was what that went through my mind when she said, “I have to say NO. I’m with another person”.

I wasn’t angry, i wasn’t surprised, i wasn’t emotional, neither did my heart break into a thousand pieces; but still when you took all your strength to tell someone that you really love them, no matter what. Ouch!!! it ought to hurt somewhere.

She was this person i met a few months back. To tell the truth my initial thought was that she was from North and i generally didn’t care because she was stunningly beautiful. Took some time to realize that she was also from the same geographical location as mine. Then it was the urge to get introduced to her and know her better as a person. That didn’t take long. We met and over time became good friends.

She was not at all like what i had imagined. Looks were deceptive, the Sherlock Holmes in me couldn’t spot that and bloody Dr. Watson was no where near. May be Holmes was drunk. She was simple, innocent, down to earth and oh boy she was younger to me. I find it really weird that most of the girls i meet and get introduced to are, lets say elder to me. I refrain from using the word “Older”, i dont want to get killed by them.

She found my stupid jokes funny, smiled when ever we met and yes i was falling, falling hard. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, twittered about her and Sandy made me the first spammer of twitter. Then came the Strings concert and i wanted to take her. This is something i will never forget. Things took a turn after this is what i feel. I met her and asked

“You know Strings, the band…”

“Yes…”

“and Saif …”(there was this smile on her face i cant describe)

“Well.. they are coming to town for a concert and i have 2 tickets, would you like to join…”(oops what did i do)

Her whole expression changed, she became dead serious and it scared the shit out of me. I felt that i was slapped and stripped.

“No”, came the reply and silence. I left faster than an F1 car from pit stop.

Later i asked her and realized that she was never asked out, has never been to any show and was shocked to hear somebody ask her out. I was on cloud nine, wow.. i want her to be mine.

Advice : Dont give her your site id, if you have written about her. I made the mistake and she read my twitter feeds. I was grilled one day and it took me by surprise. She sought an answer and the only way i saw out of it was to tell her, “You need an answer and i know what the question is. But i will answer only if you can ask me the question”. The was i knew her, she was not going to ask me that.

What next??? We had lunch together one day after that and all of a sudden she started avoiding me. Started giving excuses to avoid meeting me or seeking my help. My friends advised me to keep some distance too. I tried, but it was like she didn’t bother.
Then i took another advise. While having tea one fine evening my friend told me, “Go tell her how you feel. All it takes is ten minutes to tell her and if its YES fine, NO then move on. At the least you can stop messing with yourself.”

Dialed her and asked to meet me for 10 min. She came and killed me with that smile again. I don’t know why she does that and that too at those critical moment.

Now i have to get the whole thing out.”So you need and answer, right?”

“Yes.. ” (there comes the smile again)

“Well … i… really like you. Not by looks but as a person…” couldn’t say anything more and was trying to be as calm as i could.

She smiled and i felt i stood there for a life time, hoping the answer to be a positive one.

“I’m sorry, i’m already with someone.”. This was the toughest part, i was holding my emotions not to be evident “I know him from college and ….”, didn’t quite let her finish that or i guess i went blank at that time.

“Its ok .. its all fine. Sorry i had to make this look so weird…”, and i just cant remember what happened after this, we talked for 2 min and next thing i know is that i’m back at my seat. Five minutes later i realize that i had got a message from her

“Can we still be good friends …”. I hadn’t exactly got out of the whole thing and the reply went “No need!!!”

I still don’t know why i replied like that. I still love her. I don’t know what i saw. Its may be what i felt. But by the time everything was over i had fallen already.

I back Sandy, love makes the world go round, in damn circle of nothingness

(sorry cant include any names, even fake ones, i still love her …)

Strings Concert - They Rocked Bangalore…

The first ever proper concert in banaglore after being here for 2 years.

Yes Friday i went for the Strings concert at Palace Grounds Banaglore, with Sandy, Sanju, Snigdha and Vinayak. Technically it was the Saif-Parikarma, Strings concert. But i was there just for Strings. I love their music. They make songs that i just can listen to at anytime. Simply fascinating.

They sang - Duur, Naajanay Kyoun (Spiderman 2 OST), Zinda Hoon [Zinda OST], Anjane …

I didnt really enjoy the Saif-Parikarma part of the concert. Heavy metal is for babies. Who want to shout out loud that they are grown. The other music is the real one. Good Soothing and enevrvating.

Strings just stole the show. and i had the best place for the concert. Right next to the stage. Saw Bilal and Faisal up close.

The concert was packed with surprises. During the Saif-Parikarma concert Robin Uttappa and Sreesanth comes on stage. Well that was some thing that none expected. In fact that was the only thing that was good about the Saif part of the concert. Other than that it was loud drums, screams and bull shit. At times i was wondering what exactly Saif was doing on stage.

There is another part of the concert that i need to say, its all about i asking a girl out for the concert and where in she nearly killed me with a stare .. await that soon … That will be an exclusive …

Script, The

I had already mentioned that i’m writing a script for the New Year celebration at my office, thought i will just share  the complete one here.
In the final final script. I’m playing my own character, The Writer.
All the persons in the play are characters in my office. This is what went through my head when i sat down to write the script. So what better way to put that as a play.
The characters include a King, Queen and Manjulika, which were supposed to be the real characters of my play. Then it has Captain (she leads our team Globetrotters), manager Swaraj (there is no one called Swaraj here. It has been derived from two names), and Jobless Manager. The Jobless Manager is in fact a real person and has tonnes of job, but she is kid enough to spare time for a cup to tea every day. Everyone played their own part except for the manager.
So here it is at google docs. Let me know what you feel about my maiden script.

Some reasons why you SHOULD use Free Software..

No before i get into the whole thing, by Free Software i mean the programs that follow the 0-3 Freedoms as stated by the Free Software Foundation. Or rather Copy-Left than Copy Right …
Why is that a Free S/w user is so good at fixing a system, trouble shooting software issues and fixes thing without even reading the manual.
Now these are the reasons

1) Free software users expect open licenses and no activation methods
2) Free software users expect regular upgrades and patches
3) Free software users expect to work the way they choose
4) Free software users want control of their own systems
5) Free software users explore
6) Free software users expect to help themselves
7) Free software users don’t fear the command line
Free software users learn software categories, not programs
9) Free software users expect access to developers and other employees