[Read the Prelude here…]
… All i remember of it is that, it was a Tuesday evening…
There i stood in front of Coffee Day at Brigade Rd., crowd brushing past me. The helmet felt heavy. Now i have to find my way back home. It was the longest five minute walk that i had. My vision blurred, shoulders heavy, emptiness was what i felt inside. I wanted to just stay there, don’t want to take my bike. Hoped someone in the crowd heard my ailing heart.
All i could do was just watch her go. The auto spurted out oil and smoke, roared and joined the ocean of traffic. She was gone. Forever! She was so close and now that she was gone and it ripped my heart out. There was an emptiness that i never felt before, as i watched the auto-rickshaw fade out and disappear. I wanted to run after it, begging her not to go. But i couldn’t even move a muscle.
She was committed, she was with another person. But, She loved ME. 2 weeks that’s all that took us to get close and know each other like we knew ourselves. The 2 weeks that i’m never going to get back and the 2 weeks i was in love. Yes i was in LOVE. 2 years in Bangalore and i never felt so happy.
I had already told her that i love her, and she had told me too that she was committed. But there was something with in us that couldn’t keep either of us from talking to each other, staying in contact, going for lunch and dinner.
I vividly recollect. That day, i left office early and rang her up and asked if she can join me for dinner. She took time to answer, but it was a YES. I knew that even though she was with him she loved me and she had confessed to that.
“I don’t know why i want to talk to you; I don’t know why i want to be with you”, she broke out one day, “i know i’m not doing the right thing, i’m not being fair to him. All i know is that i want to be with you”
She knew that it was all wrong and i never had the strength to stop her. I was falling in love and i was falling hard. I was happy. 100%. We talked for hours at length till we were tired, messaged long enough to make our fingers sore, felt the warmth of love, as moments passed we wanted to be with each other more and more.
Saturday on our way to dinner, he called. She said she was going home and what else could she have done than to lie to that poor soul. He was suspicious. He called again; She turned to me and asked,
“What should i tell him?”
“Tell him the truth”, i just couldn’t tell her to lie and i never could.
She did and i saw her smile fade away. She was happy, till that time a bit confused too, but now she felt her consciousness prick. There ended the dinner and i had no idea that it would be the last time we would be together. I dropped her right out side her home, “Good night”, and drove off didn’t even wanted to listen what she wanted to tell me.
A day passed, before we actually spoke. From day one she only had questions to ask me and i wasn’t surprised a bit when these were her first words following ‘hello’,
“What if i say YES to you?”
“One person would be happy and another one would be broken”, i had to be correct as i knew the answer was going to change the tide of our relation, “People will say you left a guy whom you knew for one and a half years for a guy whom you knew only for a week… what ever you decision is i support that…”
“I need to think, will call you in the evening”
The call went dead. I rang her up in the evening and asked for her decision; all she wanted was to meet the next day. So there i was waiting not knowing what her decision was. I was praying and hoping that it would be a positive one and the way she spoke the other day, i was growing confident.
Ladies have to be fashionably late. So i didn’t expect her any sooner. I settled in my chair, sipping the sweet-bitter coffee, and just recollected where i was a week ago and now where i’m. So much has changed in so little a time and i felt like i gained something.
She was the girl i always wanted. I had been with and known enough girls and i knew exactly what kind of a girl i wanted. She was sweet, innocent and sometimes irritatingly sweet and innocent. She was so true to heart that she was unable to take the fact that she was disappointing someone. She repeatedly said that she was cheating him. She didn’t even laugh at my stupid jokes as she never got them and i had to take time to explain them. Opposite do attract. There was many striking similarities that we shared with family matters, tastes and even personal things. The most amusing thing was that she never wanted branded items neither did i. She questioned me for the amount of money i spent on food. Food was the single most expensive thing that spent all my money on. If the food is good then i won’t mind spending anything on it. She believed on sharing what ever expenses occurred when we were together. I had to save my dignity, so never accepted any money. She was all too much perfect. I began planning to telling my parents and to get things rolling. Yes i saw 10 years down the line. And i was dreaming in a busy place, oblivious to my chaotic surrounding.
There She comes, the queen of my most delectable dreams. Its you. My heart was missing a beat, No! it almost stopped. As she neared i saw that the shine in her eyes had gone, the freshness in her face had faded, she had a worn look and walked towards me like she was fighting the pull of someone from behind. Everything just vanished from my mind, the dreams that i built up was gone, my mind was like the most barren land. She sat on the chair next to me. I stared into her eyes searching to find myself. I didn’t had the strength to look anymore and turned away.
“Can you consider me as your friend? … “, those words were like barbwire threading through my heart. Everything just froze at that moment.
“Why? Why? I told you that i will be keeping hope and i told you not to disappoint me”
“Me and him are almost breaking up…”
I interrupted her, “…So that means that you can be with me right…”
“No … i can’t be with you either”, “Why?”
“I love you, which you can be certain of. But i don’t think i can be with you after the guilty feeling that’s killing me, thinking what i did to him. We lost it. He is totally broke. And I’m to blame”
I looked at her. She was torn between the two of us. Her eyes spoke as i looked into those limpid pools, that were about to overflow, ‘… I want to be with you forever. But after what i did to him i won’t be able to be fully happy with you. You make me happy and make me smile, but if i’m not truly happy, its same as cheating you… ‘
She turned away, she didn’t want me to see her through. She broke the silence, “Please! you will have to forget me… Please”
“I cant. Ever! Something in life is sure to remind me of you all the time… and you can’t ask me that…”
“Hope you’d understand… I love you…”
She got up to leave. I just followed her in silence. Nothing mattered now. The traffic was no more deafening, there was silence everywhere. I couldn’t even look up and face the crowd. I was afraid that someone might read me though. I followed her in silence. We didn’t speak a word. She walked for some time and picked up pace, i tried to keep up but i had already fallen and i couldn’t even look up.
“Auto!!! Jayanagar…”, she didn’t even look back
She was lost. I’m still in search for the missing beat of my heart.
The rhythm that i found and lost in 2 weeks. The most musical 2 weeks ever. The two most wonderful weeks of my life. Now its just silence. Melody has given way to Melancholy.
I’m moving on, thinking some day we will be together… Some day…